If you notice your partner staring at the ceiling while you’re trying to get hot and heavy, or find you’re always the one to initiate sex, you might need to reevaluate your sex life.
The truth is, the only time you really know if you’re bad in bed is when someone tells you that you are. And, how often does that ever happen? Most sexual partners try and be polite and keep their negative comments to themselves, especially if you’re in a relationship with them.
If you’re questioning your talent in the bedroom, then check out these 12 not so good sex habits to find out the truth.
1. You’re too insecure about your body. We’ve all heard the phrase, “you have to love yourself before you can love someone else”, well that goes for in the bedroom too. How are you supposed to enjoy yourself when you’re constantly worrying about which position you need to be in to hide your rolls? If you’re not enjoying yourself, your partner likely won’t be either. To improve on this, marriage therapist, Sheri Meyers says you should try and focus on things you like about yourself: “Every time you think, ‘my arms are fat’ or ‘my breasts are small,’ immediately replace those thoughts with something like, ‘I love my hair’ or ‘I have such smooth skin,” she said to Style Caster.
2. You don’t know how to get yourself off. How will someone else know how to explore your body when you don’t know how explore your own body? In an article for the Huffington Post, sexpert Sandra LaMorgese noted, “Masturbation can improve your sex life. Self-love allows both sexes to become more familiar with their bodies and pleasure centers.” Worried that too much self-love might leave you less excited for the real deal? Sexuality counselor, Ian Kerner suggests in his book Sex Detox that you should get yourself aroused without actually finishing the job to restore the sexual energy.
3. You’re not hygienic when it comes to your parts. Washing your armpits is just as important as washing your nether regions. Improper sexual hygiene can lead to infection and unpleasant odors, according to WebMD. In a survey by CircInfo in London, it was found that 26% of uncircumcised men do not wash their parts adequately. Another survey by Flint + Flint, a skincare company, found that one in three women have gone as long as three days without washing their bodies. To break that down, there are quite a few unhygienic people down there and you don’t want yourself or your partner to be one of them.
4. You use the same move every single time. If you’ve only got one move up your sleeve, there’s no doubt that there will be some boredom in the bedroom. Writer for the Huffington Post and marriage author-expert Debra Macleod says that the same old sex can actually do damage to long-term relationships, “Vanilla sex can make couples ask serious questions about their relationship. Have we lost our spark? Are we falling out of love? Is my partner bored with me? Such doubts can chip away at solid relationships.”
5. You never talk about sex. Talking to your partner about sex is important in making sure both parties are satisfied. In a survey done by DrEd.com, a whopping 68 percent of women admitted to faking orgasms. “Conversely, when women fake orgasms, they are training partners to do precisely what doesn’t work for them,” said therapist Laurie Mintz for Psychology Today. Communication is key when it comes to letting your partner know what works or what doesn’t. Unless your mate can read minds, you’ve got to speak up.
6. You try and mimic adult films way too often. Showing up to the front door pantless with a pizza in your hands might give your partner a good laugh, but leave that for the adult film stars. Sex journalist, Michael Castleman who writes for Psychology Today said, “While porn has some legitimate uses in sex education and therapy, on balance, it’s bad—very bad—for sex. Pornography is like the chase scenes in action movies—exciting and fun to watch, but not the way to drive.” Actors in adult films are exhibitionists, while the sex is real, the expectations for your own sex life are not.
7. You or your partner feel horrible afterward. If there’s something you or your partner is doing that makes one of you feel bad about yourself after sex, you may be engaging with the wrong person. Former Domestic Violence Victim Advocate and Planned Parenthood Certified Responsible Sexuality Advocate, Teresa Newsome says if this is going on in your relationship, you need to speak up and get to the bottom of it. “I’m talking about humiliation, name-calling, violence, and any other behavior that makes you feel like rotten meat on the inside,” she wrote for Bustle. “Your partner could just be playing out a fantasy that you’ve never objected to. If your partner can’t tell that you’re clearly not enjoying yourself, there’s probably something awry.”
8. Trying to finish without actually enjoying it. Ever heard of climax anxiety? Because it’s a thing. It’s when partners worry too much about their ability to perform and/or climax. “This anxiety generally comes through as pesky thoughts popping up when all you want to do is focus on feeling good,” sex and intimacy guide, Jessica Graham said to The Thirty. She says the secret to overcoming such anxiety is to train your mind into focusing elsewhere, “Let go of any goal, and instead, keep drawing your attention back to any sensations of pleasure in your body.”
9. You think it’s bad if you don’t climax. There are plenty of times sex doesn’t end in fireworks, and that’s just the way it goes. Although many think the end goal of sex is to climax, isn’t it really just about partners enjoying themselves? As long as you and your mate are having a good experience, nothing else should matter, relationship expert, Petra Boynton told The Telegraph. “If you experience pleasure, connect with your partner, do what you enjoy and feel satisfied, then it is not for anyone else to dictate that you should change that,” she said.
10. You’re too concerned with yourself. No one likes a selfish lover. The National Survey of Sexual Health and Behavior conducted a study which found that men are more likely to climax during sex than women. In the survey, 91 percent of men versus 64 percent of women claimed to have climaxed during their most recent sexual experience. Are selfish male lovers to blame for that gap? Who knows, as mental, physical and emotional factors could also play a role. It’s still always important to remember to focus on your partner’s desires in bed. If one person is only concerned with getting themselves to the finish line, they’re basically just using the other as a toy.
11. You aren’t verbal about your needs or limits. Everyone’s different when it comes to what they like in the bedroom. While role-play may be exciting to one person, it could be awkward for another. In an article for Psychology today, sex therapist, Vanessa Marin said: “Discussing your boundaries can give you new ideas to try in the bedroom, and it can also help you develop better communication skills, deeper trust, and greater intimacy.” Exploring new things is important but talking about it first is even more important. By leaving each other in the dark you could be engaging in something your partner isn’t comfortable with or vice versa.
12. You’re thinking too much about it. You obviously want to put thought into your sex life, but not too much. Overthinking about sex is known as performance anxiety. According to WebMD, performance anxiety can stem from a number of things, fear that you won’t satisfy your partner, worries that certain parts won’t “measure up” and fears of finishing too quickly, for instance. Worrying too much about how your sex is going to pan out will just ruin it for both you and your partner. WebMD suggests overcoming this by distracting yourself with music or sexy thoughts. You should seek help from a doctor if your performance anxiety is severe.